reasons for everything...

I was seventeen when I got lost on my way to good and organized life. I was a very simple teen with lots of ambitions, Im ambitious.. of course.. who among us doesn't vhave ambitions?Nobody I think.. I want to be a business woman.. a business oriented person with creative thinking and openminded to profitable ventures... that's what I want to be.

I want to gain stuffs that I never had when I was innocentlly young. When I was in elementary, I received lots of recognitions in school for I was really a good and participative student to all the activities the school would handle.. Popularity! That's what I mean.. Being popular.. almost all students knows me.. If ever I'm walking towards home, guys are staring at me. Saying Hi.. hello... Can I bring you home? Those are the words I always heard from them... Can I borrow your 30 minutes? Let's just talk... Then we'll talk... friendly talking.. Im a very accommodating person.. even if I don't know you, If you approached me and talk to me, then I'll talk to you respectively..I'll show you that I'm not neglecting you.. Thaty's how I would describe myself when facing suitors... But it didn't worked out well coz I transfered to my grandma's place and continued my studies there...

When I lived to my grandma's... I felt that everybody was caring for me... I can't explain it.. I have two crushes but I won't give names. Someone approached me and asking to go out... stuffs like that.. we always go to school together. And later on,. without my notice.. I just fell for him also even though I don't have the feeling for him at first.. I really can't remember detaiuledly but something just happened between the two of us and after that... he is kinda so aloof and is not texting me.. No hi No hello... It means that everything just faded... just disappered........... I'm not an idiot!!! I'm not deaf and I have feelings so... that's the sign.. It's over between the two of us.. I got depressed... I'm not thinking of my school stuffs intently anymore.. I'm not concentrating to school but I was still attending classes even though my mind is always flying.. thinking of the biggest mistake I've made.. I trusted him yet he left me, dumb me all alone... I never realised I was raising a life inside me coz I was so busy with school.. with my emotions, depressions, peers... I always attend parties holded by my classmates and school buddies... 'til I git sick... I stopped going to school for a week.. I got a UTI and I can't move my body.. I'm always vomiting whenever I finished my meals.. I always feel migraine... I'm always starving but I thought it's all the effect of my sickness.. effect of stress and depressions and UTI.... I never informed anybody from my family that I'm suffering from heartache.. I always went home late and they would always think that Im dating... That's whats on their minds but I never attempted to straighthen things out.. I just let them think what they wanted to... I don't want anybody to feel pity for me.. Ayoko na kinakaawaan ako!

My uncles and aunts and mom and dad and brother and cousins are always there for me while I was going through that sickness... Then they decided to bring me to a specialist coz my fever was so high and Im trembling... Im so cold that I can't think.. I was just staring at the ceiling evertime they ask me if there is something wrong... Im not talking to them either.. Im not responding to their questions.. I was just thinking of him and the pains he left to me...!!!

I was really really shocked of the result.. "do you ever know that you're pregnant?" the specialist said when I got an ultrasound...

Im with my mom and my cousin... Oh my GOD!!! I never realized that for the past 3 months... that's the time I remembered that Im not having my period for 3 months already.. so that's it.. the reason for everything.. the reason for my sickness... I saw my mom and cousin crying... my mom asked me why? but I never responded.. I know my mistake and there's no better explaination to what I did... There's no acceptable and considerate reason for what I have done.. Time run so fast and my uncles knew about it.. they are not talking to me, my dad was not talking to me, my cousins are not talking to me.. everybody was not talking to me.. I felt very empty... I thought I was a total stranger to them.. I always go to my room and spent all my daily time there.. staring at the mirror crying and talking to myself like a fool.. a total fool... I was just thinking of the past.. carrying grudges to the person who lead me to a miserable and wrong path. I was feeling regret.... regret regret regret.....

My dad would not talk to me personally.. we are just talking via cellphone.. he's afraid to talk to me personally because he doesn't want to end it up hurting me and himself... my mom said that he's not eating well.. he's not sleeping well... so mom told me that when something happen to dad, it'll be my fault.. coz I've hurted him sooo much... I got this feeling that I wanna die.. I tried not to eat for two days, ignoring the life inside me.. I tried to stare at the knife and tried to let it touch my womb.. I want to kill myself.. I though at that time that It's better that I'll die killing myself that killing my own father... But my aunt Lida gave me advices but Im deaf.. I can't hear anything... I just cried and cried and cried every night for the first 6 months of my pregnancy.. My uncles are staring at me sharply, I'll run through my room and started to cry again....