the ATI!

Earlier today, I met an ati at the front of the house gate.. She told me that my daughter is very talkative even if Kristel is playing with the kids and not talking (well it's true, Kristel is really talkative).. And I thought, maybe the ati just thought of it and say it without really knowing the truth.. But I was amused when she said that I was damped by someone in the past and all I do is crying but now Im happy with my lovelife yet confused of the world where I belong.. Her eyes are staring at me and checking the angles of my face and neck and body, I feel afraid and thought maybe she is an aswang..

She begin to talk again, she said that many are envy, many hates me for what I have, lots of them are hitting be beyond my back.. I asked her WHY? She said, "you know it eversince that lots of people are envy but you let them do or think what they want! You're a fighter..!"

I was really amused by her.. I know what she said are RIGHT very much RIGHT!

Im now asking myself.. what's in me for them to be envy that way? What's in me for them to be like that? Well, I know the answers, all I have to do is to be a keen observer!

Tests are everywhere-- be ready all the time!

In my almost twenty one years of existence in this chaotic and ever welcoming world of confusion, I could now say LIFE IS SO HARD IF YOU DON"T KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH IT!

Do you know what's the MAJOR MAJOR problem I ever faced in life? There are lots of major major problems I faced yet I dealt with it and continue living under the flaming eyes of the monkeys that surrounds me.. Did you hear or shall I say read the words uttered by Venus Raj? Well that goes with the new trend!

Anyways, Life for me is meaningful. Sometimes I'm sad, emotionally distressed, mad, crying as always but then there are times that I can manage to smile, to laugh with my friends, I can chat and share wonderful experiences with my classmates..bond with my little cutie.. oh my baby!! SMUMUT..

have encountered so much judgments, doubts, trusts,... yet I'm here standing, kicking and can manage to show a wooden smile.. (not plastic!)

One of my fellow student at St. Anne told me about her life and she feel so confused and very problematic, she approached me asking me for some advices..and I was a little shocked I asked her "why me?" She answered me, "coz you're the President of the School, you can't manage to do all sorts of projects and humiliation you encountered if you're not strong.."

I told her that Im not a perfect adviser.. and Im just someone who is "matigas ang puso sa lahat ng mga kahihiyan na binabato sa akin kahit ako'y isang inosenteng nilalang lamang" and she answered again.. :"MIss President, I trust you and I will always be your fan".. and I thanked her.. Im very much flattered on what she said, My confidence came rushing into my veins.. char char!!

Im really happy to know about it.. well her problem? She was being a victim of words uttered my so many monkeys in the whole wide community where she and her family lives. Her former classmate in high school make some naughty chismis about her that she had an affair with her second cousin, yet they're just best of friends.. and they were cousins anyway. And I came to realise that cousins can be lovers how much more for second cousins..

Well I asked her if the rumor is true and she said NO! So I trusted her.. HEr second cousin-guy besfriend has a girlfriend of his own but they were linked.. I told her--"dont be affected ok? be strong.. walang saysay ang mundo kung walang POV ang mga tao! walang saysay ang mabuhay ka kung magpapadala ka lang sa mga walang kwentang sinasabi ng iba! believe in yourself as long as you're happy, you're healthy, and innocent.. then let them say what they want! That's very much common in life! Lahat ng bagay maliit na detalye man yan binibigyang kahulugan ng mga walang magawa.. May pinag aralan ka! IKaw na lang ang bahalang umintidi sa mga walang alam ok?!!

She hugged me so so tight and she said.. how can you say that! I answered her: "Wala sa kamalingkingan ng mga chismis na binato sa akin ng mga unggoy ang mga chismis na ibinato sayo..! Yung akin malala talaga.. and the worst thing? Di ko friend ang nagkalat kundi kadugo ko pa! As what Im loving guardian angel told me.. STAND UP STRAIGHT, LOOK AT THEM DIRECTLY INTO THEIR FLAMING EYES- DONT BE SHY! SHOW THEM WHAT YOU'VE GOT!!!

basketball

A story of know why started just few minutes ago.. I felt sad and embarrased. He is working in the city and is out of office at 5:30, about being so excitedof his new job, he approached me through text that we need to talk about things and schedules and doubts and everything that is attached to this relationship. He told me that we need to talk about everything, like for example, he's afraid that I would doubt him and will not believe him anymore. He's afraid that one day this relationship will be broken due to less time, less effort, less meetings, less communications, less time to visit me, less everything.. So I Agreed on the idea of taking things out into a TALK! I waited til he comes, he entered the gate rushing.. I asked him why is he rushing and seems that he's really into something that he must be really quick/fast.. He told me that we have to cancel the talk and just make it up the next few days when he has time.. I told him that we can talk about it over phone but he didnt agree. I thought something bad happened to I stopped him from riding the motorcycle and ask whats happening and whats the emergency, why is he on the rush to ride and go? He told me slowly really gently.. 'Ne,I have a basketball game, I almost forgot, the game will start in 30 minutes'................!!!!!!!!!!

Gosh, A game is really important to cancel the TALK?

I asked him.. "why? can please tell me of who/what will you go to first? ME OR BASKETBALL GAME??"

He answered: "IM SO SORRY, THE GAME.."

I paused quietly staring on the sky... I went inside the house.. without any words coming out of my mouth..

He followed me.. "Ne, the basketball game is just one game and couldnt wait, this is a league.. what if we will loose because of me? I love basketball and thats my only addiction, I dont smoke, I drink a little, please dont take it away from me please....."

I answered in a very low voice: " YOU chose basketball than me?"

He answered back: "Its just one game.. ok? I cant rearrange the schedule and cant control everyone there and everything there, its just 1 game ok? We can talk later.. I know you can wait but the game cant.."

I answered in a low voice: "ok, you can go"

he told me: "I will go in one condition.. smile please!!"

I didnt smile, telling him to take care and just dont mind me.. He told me that basketball is good but im important to him.. a basketball can be played and off but I cant be played and off..

what a better explanation.. he made me smile again and cheer up for him..

Conquering inferiority...

August 18, 2009--- Buwan ng Wika... We don't have any representative in our course for the Talumpati Contest and we have only 3 days to prepare for dat day.. I don't have the chance to say "no" to my mates. As a leader, I have to do things which are against my will and decisions...I admit, I don't like public appearances.. My family and friends knows that!!

When I was in Elementary, I joined many contests, and I won everytime I join.. I didn't experience being a losser, I struggle so hard to win and to impress everyone in the family that I have a worth, that I can do the impossible. Why??? It remains a secret!!

The contest was held Tuesday, Do you know how stressful is that whole week for me&the whole team of BSBA? Here it goes...

August 13-- the first day of my Midterm exam.. so before that day, I study study study for the exam... I slept 3 hours, when I woke up, jump out of bed and fixed myself for school, my exam is 7:00 am, so I have to leave the house at 6:30.. yaurgghhh I almost got late!!! I hate the traffic...
That whole day exam is stressful.. very very stressfulllllll...
After the exam, With my friends, we went to the church to have a short prayer to St. Anne, hoping the exam would be OK.. I got home at 4:00 p.m. I prepared my dinner... Yes, Im the one preparing for my own meal.. the rice grains are there provided, sometimes the viand is not so I have to buy and cook it myself.. I ate my dinner, went to the office bringing my notes.. I studied in the office, working while studying.. At 9:30, I went out of the office and have a silent study in my room.... I slept at 2:30 a.m.

August 14... up again at 6:00 am, sorry no time to eat breakfast, I just took a bath and went to school, didn't get late... hehehehe.. having no breakfast can help.. a whole day exam again.. then the school announced the celebration of Buwan ng Wika, the team of BSBA met and decided who will represent on the contests... No choice, I have to follow the rules from the team president. And as a leader of our year, I have to represent the Talumpati competition... There's a conflict, they said that the previous winners last year are not allowed to join the contest.. I beg to disagree... hahahaha!!!! They posted the criterias 5 hours ago, I've read it and there's no such phrases or any proofs that they announced that the previous winners aren't allowed to join.. I won the Tamulpati contest last year, the other courses dnt want me to join.. only one thing that means... they dont want to be losser again!! hahahahaha..... my team just smiled and said.. let's go and get the prize...!

August 15, my god I have a sore throat>.. my head is aching to much, maybe because of the stress.. I took medicine as what my nanay texted me, but no relief.. I got a very very aching head, then I have a bad cough.. huhu.. how can i join the contest? I have only 3 day remaining to prepare.. I made a scheduling list... I did my 5 minutes piece for the contest.. I have a hard time doing it.. my head is really a disturbance I cant even concentrate.. I called up my mate, we met in the library, together, we made the piece.. we did it, but its just a 3 minute piece , I have to make a 2 minute expansion... No time left its already 6:00 pm.. I went home, the next day was Sunday

August 16--- I went to the office, Tita Arlene was there... I told her the problem about the contest. no piece, bad throat, coughing, headache.. what should i do??? She gave me a vapor rub... I rub it on my neck and nose, its better!!!

I went on finishing the piece, took medicine medicine medicine every3 hours.. I read the piece to her and she said its good enough.. Tomorrow, I will memorize it!!!

Augut 17, --- Monday.. tomorrow is the contest!!

I memorized in school, but still not good, I have some rough roads... I have some long pauses.. so I have to fix it.. Gladys was there, trying to make me comfortable, giving me advices on what to do..

When i got home at 5:00 pm, I hurriedly made my dinner and went to Tita nelisa, I memorized with her... then she slept, he has a duty that evening... huhu,,, I have to memorize it myself.. I was memorizing when Vic came.. he's from Miag-ao, its already 9:30pm. he said he hurried to came riding on the ceres to cheer on me.. wow.. that was touching,, hehehe... I memorized, he holds the notes giving me some hints.. tita jely and papa emek came by and listen to me while Im memorizing...

we slept at 11 pm...

Tueday, August 18-- the contest day... I very very sleepy, over fatigue, my mates give me some stresstabs.. I fixed myself.. oopppzzz.. i dont know how to make my hair good enough.. hehehe.. my cousin jenny fixed my hair, i fixed my very simple make up.. and after 30 minutes preparation.. Im done..!!

C O N T E S T!!!!

I went to the stage waits for my turn, ooppzzz, I forgot my vapor rub.. gladys was so alert and give me a rub.. hehehe... the contest started, Im afraid that Im going to cough in the mic, but thanks to santa ana, I made it... excellent performance!!! everyone is good but im satisfied with my performance..

After all the contest was done, The winners were announced... yay!!! I got the bacon home!!!! thanks to all who supported me...

BUT!!! its not over yet, August 19-20, is the sportsfest, we have to play basketball and volleyball, whether we like it or not...

huhuhuhuhu.. no time to rest...

with my cough and headache, I still played the very tiring game...
we made our best to join.. even though we didnt get the champ.. we'll just try again next year.. maybe outdoor games are not suited for us.. maybe in brainstorming and reengineering, we'll get the champ!!

maybe with numbers, essays, debates an exam, we'll be on the top but not on outdoor games.. I admit, I know how to play basketball and volleyball but Im not the MVP... at least I conquered now my greates fear.. inferiority....

experimental love to true love????

Some people never find it, some only pretend, but I just want to live happily ever after every now and then.There is only one happiness in life, to love and be loved... I am still determined to be cheerful and happy, in whatever situation I may be; for I have also learned from experience that the greater part of our happiness or misery depends upon our dispositions, and not upon our circumstances.

"When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us."

Do you believe in the quote? I do, There are lots of happenings in my life and as I encounter and surpass all those challenges, I become more mature and responsible. I noticed in myself that I have the equilibrium among all things now.. It's important, very very important. Why? Coz, it made me a better person.

I've been in a messy relationship.
For the first time in my life, nainlove ako... ewan ko.. love ba talaga yun?
I have this guy. Friend ko.. and naging boyfriend ko... nung una masaya pag magkasama.. I thought he's serious having a good and clean relationship with me but Im totally very wrong. He made me a fool looking for something I cannot ever find. At first, Im happy having a year relationship with him, were happy everytime were together and having time to talk. But when he's not around I dont even think of him.. How come in a year of relationship, I never noticed it... that Im ok if he's around and Im ok if he is not...
All of a sudden when my life became miserable, I never find him, I never beg or wish for his presence... Im puzzled why? Is it not true love and happiness that I felt when I have a relationship with him? Hmmmmmm.....

After one year of having a break with that guy, a year of minding my ownself being a WALA LANG.. walang bf, walang alam na gawin, I made up my mind!!! I have to do an experiment...

5 years ago...

There's a guy,he's a kind whom you'll not say 'no'... that's what other girls says..Kumbaga chick magnet sya.. (yun ang sabi nila),, He's a childhood friend.. marami daw syang girls na pinapaiyak.. i know him of course, kapatid lang naman sya ng bayaw ng nanay dear ko.. isang school lang kami nung high school.. isang barangay lang.. and lagi nagkukrus ang landas namin.. noon kasi kapag hapon may basketball sa barangay namin eh lahat ng tao nanonood, after the hard times working in the suba and farm syempre dapat meron ring kasiyahan ang mga tao diba.. yung mga bata naglalaro sa kalsada, hindi laro sa apoy huh.. yung mga medyo dalagita at sulterito nanonood ng liga at kumikendeng na.. and im one of them wehehehe.. yung mga matatanda Tuba ang binibira.. ganyan sa uma kung saan ako lumaki..

etong si ako nanood din nga liga kasama ko yung mga friends ko.. yung close friends ko lang.. 5 kami puro kami youngest sa pamilya.. in short magkasize yung mga sungay namin.. kaso medyo strict lang ng konti yung lola ko kaya kailangan ko dumaan ng bintana before makapagkendeng..

eh etong si mr. chick boy kuno sikat sikatan sa basketball court.. syempre yung mga friends ko nagagwapuhan sa kanya infairness.. hindi ako.. i felt na parang i hate him! the way he walk, the way he talk, the way he plays basketball, the way way way.. lahat lahat sa kanya i hate it!

Until such time na nagcollege na kami I still hate him.. everytime I see him walking with his girls.. I hate it.. naeembarass ako.. kumbaga aparang affected ako! I dont know..

Yung classmate ko sa course naging girlfriend nya sa text, and remember di lang isa sa mga classmates ko ang naging girl nya.. marami sila.. then they always ask me about him kasi magkabaranggay kami eh so they asked kung anu yung mga qualities ni guy, if he's a good husband to be? if he's a gentleman..etc etc etc/.. ang sagot ko naman, di ko alam kasi di ko sya close and i hate him...

Then nagkabf ako, yung bf ko na nabanggit ko kanina na iniwan lang ako!!....
Nung di pa kami break syempre, ok yung bonding namin ng bf ko, lagi kaming tambay sa skul, but everytime the chickboy guy passes by us he made me a stare na parang matutunaw ka.. di lang yun isang beses kundi maraming beses.. then kahit pa nasa bario kami laging seryoso yung chickboy guy.. di sya ganun ka kulit pareho ng dati..

Dumating yung araw na nawala yung tiwala ko sa sarili ko because of what happened sa bf ko at sa akin.. we broke up so nagnilaynilay muna ako.. hehehehe...
I realized, guys are just headaches.. sabi ko sa sarili ko, kung kaya ng mga lalaki ng mangloko kaya din ng mga babae of course... SO I MADE AN EXPERIMENT!!!

I WILL LOOK FOR A GUY AND MADE HIM FALL FOR ME TIL SUCH TIME NA IIWAN KO SYA AND PASASAKITAN..!!!

and the chick boy guy comes to my mind... patay sya sa akin!!

that's my plan, wala na akong tiwala sa lalake eh... masakit masaktan kya gusto ko mafeel nya kung gaano ka sakit..

At first, he told me about everything he felt for me when that tragedy that was made last year happened.. Im sort of 'ohh really? parang ayaw ko maniwala ah...'
but I gave him a chance..
I said 'yes' to him because of that experiment.

Other girls said that there are lots of them who fall for that guy and just cried, you know what I felt? I said.. I will do the revenge.. I gave my best for him to fall for me,

BUT I FAILED...

HE DID HIS BEST FOR ME TO FALL FOR HIM... aLL of the sudden I realized after a year of relationship, Im looking for him if he's not around, Im not comfortable if when I woke up in the morning there's no text from him, Ive been in a life wherein every meal time there's someone checking on me if I ate already, what's my food, hows my day, hows school, hows baby, everything.. my god!!!!!!! Im in total mess in love with him...

I told my mom about it, she said just keep on studying him.. he's open about evrything to me, about his family, about his textmates, evrything... evrything that I never felt before...

here's one very important thing...

he asked me if I told my parents about the relationship, I said I dont coz im afraid.(know my family.. theyre really against with it..)
he made a wish to me, to be open to my family... hm?????? why?
is it a requirement???, he told me that there's only one thing to find out if i love him really... IF I UNDERSTAND HIM, IF I ACCEPT HIM OF WHO HE IS, ACCEPTS HIS BAD AND GOOD ATTITUDES, AND INTrODUCE each PARENTS..

I never thought he will do it, When I went to Dawog, where his family lives, and where i lived before, he told me to go to their house but I didn't.
When his mom saw me, she told me to come with her in their house so I did. Even if Im shy, I went with her. When I reached their house, oh my god, the chick boy introduced me to his father and sisters.. Im very very scared that time coz for the first time, I felt that kind of emotion..

When I reached home, I told my mom about it, so she said, its time for me to introduce my bf to my father.. So i did, and to everyone in the family...

At first Im afraid, to think that they'll against it but my uncles and aunts told me that its ok... just to make sure everything in balanced.. between studies and realtionship... thanks to them..

Now I realized....

Life and Love is better when you are not hiding anything from your family and friends.. that its really really a good thing. I can feel the happiness from that experiment, I thought I can revenge from all the guys who are just hurting the girls but Im totally wrong..

"...happiness is the highest good, being a realization and perfect practice of virtue, which some can attain, while others have little or none of it..."

ceres

ceres
ceres-- importanteng bahagi ng buhay ko! bakit? eto yung kwento...
one time...malungkot ako pumunta ako sa labas ng gate ng bahay namin... umupo sa semento at tumitingin sa mga dumadaang sasakyan at mga tao baka sabihin nila vuang ako.. hehehe... kulang nalang bagsakan ako ng piso...

may dumaang ceres.. wow ang laki..
may dumaan ulit. aroung 9 pm na nun...
may dumaan ulit 3 ceres..
may dumaan ulit... sa di kalayuan, huminto..
di ako tumingin, pumasok ako sa loob ng bahay... tulo luha
nung iserado ko yung gate may bagay na nagpahinto ng pagsarado ko ng gate..
akala ko kung sino.. baka magnanakaw eh wala pa naman akong kasama sa bahay lahat ng tao pumunta sa bario.. natakot ako..
sinirao ko ulit kaso may kamay na nagstop nun... natakot na talaga ko,..
kinuha ko yung dos por dos na nasa gilid ng tanim.. hahampas ko sa kung sino mang nananakot sa akin...

kaya lang bago ko pa nagawa yun may boses "ne, pasudla ako..."
ha? kilala nya ako...?????

familiar yung boses... binuksan ko yung gate habang hawak yung pamalo... toink toink toink... si palangging ko lang pala.. buti nlang di ko napalo kundi bukol aabutin nya, wawa naman.. hehehe...

bakit sya nandito? akala ko nasa Jamindan sya.. gabi na ah.. maraming tanong sa isip ko kung bakit sa ganong oras ng gabi dumating sya...

sabi nya.." sumakay ako ng last trip ng ceres makauwi lang... miss kita eh..."

one day palang nga di nagkikita eh..

wehehehehehehehe.... kilig lola mo.. sabay hug and kiss mmmmmmmwaaaahhhhhhhhh then pasok sa loob ng bahay....!!!

crying..

Nakakita ka na ba ng lalaking umiyak dahil sa pag-ibig?

ako? oo..

di ko lubos maisip na sa mga problemang pinagdaanan naming dalawa ay nakuha nyang umiyak.. babae ako, mahina ang loob ngunit sa mga bagyong dumating sa buhay ko nanatili akong matatag,..

umiiyak ako, oo, pero tinatago ko yun para lang maipakita sa lahat na matatag akong tao.. lubos akong di makapaniwala sa kanyang ginawa dahil nagkaroon lamang kami ng konting problema.., nasabi ko sa kanya na siguro'y dapat na munang maghiwalay upang maliwanagan ang kani-kaniyang isipan.. nirespeto nya naman ang aking desisyon ngunit nang gumabi na ay bigla kong naramdaman ang ring ng celfone ko.. sinagot ko naman.. ngunit walang nagsasalita.. nakinig akong mabuti.. may umiiyak.. sino? sya ba? bakit ka umiiyak.. di daw nya mapigilan,.. sabi koy' "cge iiyak mo lang, handa akong makinig sa mga hikbi mo..."

ngunit di ko rin napigilan ang sarili ko, tumulo din ang luha.. pinahiran ko yun, at humugot ng isang napakalakas na buntong hininga... dapat akong maging matatag...

nagsalita sya..sa di masyadong malakas na boses nya naririnig ko ang hikbi nya kasabay ng kanyang mga salita.. natatakot daw syang iwanan ko.. sa dami ng mga babaeng dumaan sa buhay nya ngayon lang daw sya umiyak.. dahil sa akin? syempre lumaki tenga ko... pero bakit ako?
maraming tanong sa isip ko na di pa masasagot sa mga panahong ito.. dapat akong maghintay na masagot nya yun sa takdang panahon..

umiyak din ako sa dahilang masaya ako sa narinig ko ngunit bumulong si utak sa akin... naniniwala kaba sa sinasabi nya? baka drama lang nya yan eh''

pasaway na utak.. kung kaya't tinanong ko sya.. kung nagsasabi ng totoo, kailangan ko ng proweba..

nung mga oras na yun, naririnig ko na pinagagalitan sya ng tatay at nanay nya..

uminom? babae? paapekto? gugma? marami akong narinig mula sa kabilang linya ng celfone..

pinaka usap nya yung tatay nya sa akin...

ha? para makasigurado daw ako na nagsasabi sya ng totoo... nagtanong yung tatay nya sa akin kung ano raw yung pinakain ko sa anak nila at nagkakaganun.. eh di naman yan ganun noon..

wala akong mahagilap na sagot.. nakinig lang ako, namutawi sa aking labi ang kaba at tuwa...

masaya daw sila at ako yung nahanap ng anak nila, malaki ang ipinagbago nito at nakikinig na sa kanila.. masaya ako at ganun ang pagtingin nila sa akin bilang nobya ng anak nila..
mas masaya pa ako nung tinanong nya ako kung kumusta ako at kung ok lang ako.. sabi ko'y ok lang pagkat sanay na ako sa mga intriga at laging pinagagalitan, siguro'y tumigas na yung puso ko.. sabi nya, kung sinong mahal ng anak nila ay mahal dn nila.. 'mahal ka namin..'

pinasa nya ulit ang celfone sa anak nila at narinig ko 'oh, wag mong pababayaan si nene.. mahalin mo sya at wag hahayaang masaktan'...

di ko na napigilan ang sarili ko, umiyak na ako ng umiyak.. tuwang tuwa ako sa aking narinig..
ngayon ko lang naramdaman ang ganung bagay sa tanang buhay ko..

umiyak din sya.. tinanong nya ako ''di ka pa ba naniniwala sa akin? gusto mong makausap si nanay?''

sabi ko,,.. '' wag na sapat na yung naririnig kitang umiiyak.."

ni minsan sa mga panahong naging kami.. di ko sya nakitang umiyak... ngayon lang..!

ngayon ko narealize.. "mas masarap mabuhay at magmahal kung nagsasabi ka ng totoo at open ka sa pamilya mo..."


(ang lahat ng detalyeng inyong nabasa ay hango sa aking karanasan at ito ay katotohanan)